COST CUTTING MEASURES WE'RE GOING TO

1. Effective October 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurse will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

2. Food services will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patients may wish to make.

3. Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be given to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of- motion exercise as well as clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

4. As you can see on the "From:" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed-wacker, etc.

5. Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

6. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

7. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn around time required by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip- coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for one hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

8. In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures 3 the Power Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc. so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

9. In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discard produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for the purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's formulary.

   HoW To KeEpA hEaLtHy LeVeL Of InSaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeR PeOpLe iNsAnE...

   At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down,

   Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

   Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

   Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

   Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

   Insist that your e-mail address be:
       xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
       mailto:xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
       mailto:xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
       mailto:xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or
       Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
       mailto:Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
      mailto:Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
      mailto:Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
   

   Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

   Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

   Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

   Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

   Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

   Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

   In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

   Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

   Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

   Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

   Don't use any punctuation

   As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

   Ask people what sex they are.

   Specify that your drive-through order is to go'.

   Sing along at the opera.

   Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

   Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
   
   
   ***AnD tHe FilNaL WaY tO aNnOy PeOple:

   Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
   
   

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